Salvation...

              It has been asked of me to tell this tale.  I tell you this as a disclaimer, so that I don’t have any confusion on the matter, and no one tries to ask me about it later.  If it had been left up to me, I would not have uttered a word of this blasted incident to any soul for the rest of eternity, but as you may be able to guess, its not up to me in the least.  I have been ordered to put this rubbish into word in order to keep a historic record of events(why the man cares about RECORDS of all things is beyond me....).  Really rather masochist when in light of the fact that it was a painful experience for those of us down here, but then again, most everything is a painful experience for us( and where would WE be without masochism?).  So, as my master has instructed, I shall duly record what happened, since if I don’t I’ll likely regret it for a period of time that will seem much longer than eternity.  This is merely a disclaimer so that you know that it was not I who decided this, but the man himself.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, I work for the man, the almighty Lucifer(I’ll take this moment to laugh discreetly because you probably thought I was referring to either God or a corporate guru.).  So what does that make me if I work for the devil?  Why, the devil’s minion of course, you exquisitely lovely moron you!!  I am a first class, high ranking demon ( medal plaque on the wall and all).  One of the few who have been able to climb my way to the top and nail a nice cushy job as a writer(demons are responsible for all writing even remotely interesting to read... about all we don’t do are instructional books and food labels).  It was tough work, because I started out rather low on the demonic food chain... but its dog eat dog out there, and I learned rather fast, having plenty of experience left over from my mortal existence.  I sigh in nostalgic glee to remember that....  I had been a writer up there too, as well as a musician. Fairly normal to the naked eyes, but I was also a homicidal maniac who picked out random victims in random places and whacked the bastards.... leaving no clues behind and no way for the police to track me down.  I finally settled down one day, ceased killing, and had a wife I loved very much.  That lasted until the end of my days.... until a very large bus piled into me(yes, I know, I deserved it...so YOU say).  It was a grand life, and I regret nothing.
Although I did regret it those first few days in hell.  Everyone regrets everything those first few days.  One can’t really help it.  You see, my dear, hell is not quite how the mortal souls have pictured it during their lifetimes.  We had it kind of in the relative neighborhood, but then again not even close.  In the real hell there are levels.  Now, Dante had pointed this out long ago in his book, The Divine Comedy (not a very funny book, as I recall, unless your into that whole “I can see humor in anything” bullshit...you bastards are only lying because you cry and watch the lifetime channel on a daily basis), hell had seven levels.  This was true only in the sense that hell had levels.  Hell has not seven, but innumerable levels, much like society does.  The smart learn fast and survive, the idiotic usually stay in the lowest levels( that’s where all the torture occurs).  The first level is rife with the fire and brimstone crap that mortals expect when denied the “glory” of heaven.  Torturers roam about doing unspeakably hideous things to whomever they run across, and the eternal, infernal flames that are so damn popular up stairs seem to boil your skin.... its rather nasty, if you ask me(those blisters are the WORST).  There is a road that the souls follow... in my agony, I cannot remember what it looked like or how I found it, but when I did, I ran like.... well, hell, and found myself in a completely new hell, one that has a whole new set of aspects.  This is where hell becomes an actual society.  
It came to pass that hell was like this when God lost control. Yes, yes, I know, poor little Christian baby doesn’t want to hear that the only thing trustworthy to you isn’t all powerful.  Well he’s not.  He has power, yes, a great deal, but not as much as you would think.  God has, and always has had, equal power to Satan.  The powers have always been balanced.  It was a sort of mutual agreement between them to separate themselves in the first place... all this casting out of heaven and rebellion nonsense was all the Son’s (Jesus is such a meddling WHORE sometimes) doing in the first place.  They had just sat down and had a chat one day and decided to create a universe.  Now, creating a universe, in case you didn’t know, requires perfect balance to begin with.  You have to start something with both good and bad intentions, or else it would collapse back into the nothingness from whence it came(you don’t believe me. But its true, scouts honor).  Now, since God is purely good, and Lucifer purely evil, it worked out well that they both wanted to create this universe.  They split up heaven... not precisely equally, but the angelic beings had their choices, and no one was allowed to complain(Satan knew he’d have help later....).... anyhow, Satan went down below the level of the comprehensible world, and God went above it(and no, neither areas are reachable by flying into outer space, burrowing into the earth, or traveling through time).  So the race begins... at first, there was nothingness, and God said, let there be germs.  Yes, the little amoebas that floated around in the crap-tastic piece of rock that they had come up with.  The first draft, you see(very creative... lets make a ROCK....).  Then, Satan made his first change, making things a little more complex.... they took turns changing things, until the finished product, dinosaurs, roamed around. Yes, I know, you were expecting me to say humans... but there’s an entire era of creation that would leave out, and I’m being honest with you here (totally against my instincts at that). Now, this isn’t in the bible anywhere (because the bible is almost entirely false, and the only reason any of its true is pure luck, since the POET who wrote it didn’t know diddly-squat), but God actually sent the Son down back then.  This didn’t go over well, since, because of my bosses brilliant scheming, the sharp teeth didn’t bode well with the relaxed nonviolence thing Jesus talked about(did you know he was a brachiosauras before he was ever human?).  So the Son was slaughtered and sent up to heaven rather peeved.  
This displeased go immeasurably.  Which Satan thought rather marvelous.  However, Lucifer had his own reasons for being dissatisfied with the lot of the large reptiles.  There wasn’t any motivation in them... roam about, sleep, eat, kill.... they were too ferocious to be really entertaining anyways.  Satan wanted to work with miserable, vulnerable beings.  Makes things a bit more interesting, you see.  So they eradicated the whole planet full with a big fucking rock(make a rock, smash it with another rock....first game of marbles, that is).  Cheerful, no?  Then they began to work on creating things with hair, and soft skin.... the brains progressively got bigger, but the intelligence smaller(dinosaurs were very intelligent, with brains advanced enough for telepathy even, part of the reason Satan couldn’t have much fun with the buggers).  Finally, these apelike creatures stood before their divine gaze, beating each other with rocks, and they were nearly satisfied.  They both just gave a little nudge to set evolution in motion (both of them nudging at the same time is what created the missing link that no one can seem to find) and sat back to enjoy the show.
Now what was the purpose of relating all this...?  Ah yes, I remember now.  God lost control.  You see, the nudge they gave was free will and curiosity... God the former, Satan the latter.  Now, each of these alone would have been fine.  Things would not have become so dangerously unbalanced.  But both of the characteristics put together seemed to equal chaos.  This was fun for Lucifer, but not so much for God.  You see, they had made a bet very early on...Lucifer would gain more souls by the end of the world than god(sounds a lot like monopoly to you too, huh?).  This was a fair game... until Satan got the equivalent of park place with a hotel on the curiosity/free will crap.  Now he had the edge, because the were to curious to refuse choosing evil over the innate good(original sin is a crock of shit... all humans start out balanced, and the precise moment their born lean towards good, since the mind of a child is just to stupid to be evil.  Its not until later evil really takes hold.).  So as more and more souls turned to evil, God began to lose the game.  A millennia or so passed.... the world deteriorated before them both, Satan pulling in the most points, God losing his son(Jesus did exist, and did come back from the dead, but it was Lucifer’s doing, not God’s....), and generally things leaning on the evil side...until...

To be continued......